In The Long Run IV [Don't Try This at Home]

"In the long run I believe this economy will be all right"
--President George W. Bush, October 6, 2008

Taxpayers to IRS, April 15, 2009

"In the long run I believe the economy will be all right and I will be able to pay. Call me then"
BG, Texas

"My entire compensation package this past year has gone to make the mortgage payments on my home. I am terribly sorry and I take full responsibility."
JM, Ohio

"Go ahead and have Hank Paulson sign over my bailout check to you guys. Save the postage"
GFF, California

"I am too big to fail. Please send me $700 billion"
BI, Kentucky

"The money is gone. I don't believe assigning blame will solve anything"
JR, NC

"I had laid aside the entire amount of my 2009 tax bill plus a $100,000 patriotic bump in a lock box at The Left Bank of The Mississippi. Unfortunately late last night a Mr. Kashkari transferred all of it to some guy named Paulson in Washington"
BDB, TN

"Barney Frank called me just today and advised that since I made my annual contribution to the Barney Frank Re-Election Fund I would be exempt this year."
CB, Boston


IRS to Taxpayers: April 16, 2009

Dear Deadbeats,
How on earth do you expect us to keep our big financial institutions afloat, pay everyones doctor bills and furnish your neighbors a $500,000 home for monthly payments of $99.99 unless you live up to your patriotic duty and pay these taxes? Unfortunately for you we have neither the time nor inclination to wait on you nor are we interested in your excuses, whining and simpering. There is no long run for you. Unless you cough up the cheese inside of the next 30 minutes the entire enterprise will implode leaving us no choice but to foreclose on all your assets not currently held by our house banks and suck the money from your 401's and IRA accounts that we aquired along with our new insurance subsidiaries. I urge you with all the gravity I can manage to call immediately and make arrangements to pay up. We will accept virtually any valuable article in lieu of cash although we are currently somewhat overstocked in size 38 shorts. Jack-booted agents are standing by.
Sincerely,
Neel Kashkari
Senior Accounts VP
Goldmann-Sachs-JP Morgan-United States of America and Company. INC
New York and Washington

PS: Dear CB,
Please accept our sincerest apologies. Your account is paid in full.
JK